


Five Years' End

by redheadedbisexual



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, M/M, Post-Break Up, Rebound, Reunion, Star Trek I: The Motion Picture, spirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:47:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23416222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redheadedbisexual/pseuds/redheadedbisexual
Summary: As five year’s wind to a close, Jim Kirk makes one of his biggest discoveries yet. He realizes that despite years of swearing he’d never settled down, he wants to spend the rest of his life with the Vulcan science officer that won his heart in the first year of their journey.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Carol Marcus, James T. Kirk/Spock, Kirk/Spock
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always thought that when Spock and Kirk meet again in the Motion Picture, it's like they're reuniting after a break up. So I wanted to write about what that break up might've looked like. There is a happy reunion at the end so bear with me!

Five years had come and gone, and in that time Jim Kirk had learned a lot. He'd learned about the vast Universe he was sent to explore, about the dedicated crew that had made his journey possible, and most importantly, about himself. He’d fallen in love in a way he’d never thought possible, with a man he never would’ve expected. He’d learned what a wonderful thing love could be, and how dangerous. And as five year’s wound to a close, he made one of his biggest discoveries yet. He realized that despite years of swearing he’d never settled down, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with the Vulcan science officer that had won his heart in the first year of their journey.

“I’m going to ask Spock to marry me,” he announced, sitting across from Bones in his office. He’d come by sick-bay under the guise he was making a social call, but there was more to it than that. Nerves had begun to set in as the day of his planned proposal approached, and he was in desperate need of some reassurance from his old friend.

“Marriage is a torture I would not wish on my worst enemy,” Bones said absent-mindedly, still working on a set of paperwork.

“Bones--” 

“I’m joking, of course,” Bones assured him, then added with a half smile, “Well, mostly.”

Jim rolled his eyes at his friend’s cynicism, relieved to have gotten this announcement off his chest.

“I think that’s wonderful, Jim,” he went on.

An awkward silence passed between them as Bones carried on with his paperwork and Jim quietly studied his feet. There was more he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure where to begin.

“Well,” Bones said, looking up from his desk after a while. “What do you want? My blessing?”

“No, it’s just that I’m…”

“Nervous?” he finished for him. He set his pen down and gave Jim his full attention.

“Terrified,” Jim admitted.

“I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that,” Bones observed. He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. “So this is what it takes to frighten a starship Captain. Not danger, not death, but a simple marriage proposal.”

“It’s not simple. It’s not just anyone. It’s Spock,” Jim insisted.

“You don’t need to worry. You two have been together for what, three years now?”

“It’ll be four next month.”

“Exactly. At this point, getting married is--logical, as your fiance is so fond of saying.”

“He’s not my fiance yet.”

“But he will be.”

His nerves beginning to ease, Jim smiled across the desk at his friend. He was glad he had come. He could always count on Bones to talk some sense into him. Although typically he was talking him down from some wreckless plan--trying to instill a reasonable sense of fear in him, quite the opposite of what he was doing now.

“How are you going to pop the question?” Bones asked.

“We’re due to make a stop at Risa in four days. I wanted to give the crew a couple days of shore leave before we make the final stretch for home. I was going to ask him then. Figure we’d take a walk on the beach that night.”

“You always were such a romantic,” Bones teased. “How you ended up with that cold-blooded bastard is beyond me…”

“Cold blooded?” Jim protested.

“I’m sorry, is green-blooded bastard the politically correct term?”

“Bones…”

“Oh you know I’m only joking,” Bones insisted. Then more genuinely he added, “I can tell he makes you happy. As your doctor, and more importantly, as your friend, that’s all I can hope for.”

“He does,” Jim said fondly.

“And you know, I didn’t think it was possible, but he really seems to feel something for you.”

Bones let that comment sit awhile before he spoke up again, watching as Jim’s eyes glazed over, distracted no doubt by thoughts of his Vulcan lover. He shook his head, chuckling ever so slightly. Jim sure had it bad, he thought to himself.

He’d known Jim since their academy days, more than fifteen years now, and he’d watched his friend go through his fair share of lovers. He’d been there to listen to Jim’s wild stories of one night stands, comforted him through nasty break ups, and counseled him when he wrestled with the question whether to marry the young lab technician by whom he’d fathered a child. In all that time, he’d never seen Jim so desperately in love as he was now with Spock. Given his own romantic failures, Bones wasn’t sure he believed in such a naïve concept as soul mate, but if ever there was a match made in heaven, it was Jim and Spock.

“I’ll let you get back to work,” Jim said after a while, rising from his seat. “Thanks, Bones.”

“When should I expect my wedding invitation?” Bones called after him as he left.

“Who said you were invited?” Jim teased.

\---

Jim awoke that morning to the pleasant surprise that Spock was still in bed beside him. This was unusual, Spock was almost always up and dressed before Jim had even opened his eyes, but he didn’t dare question his stroke of luck. Instead, Jim decided he must take it upon himself to wake the tired Vulcan. He lay on his side, his back turned, the back of his neck of his neck bare and exposed. With one hand slung around his waist, Jim kissed his neck, journeying from the firm start of his collar bone to the tips of his pointed ears and back again, until at last a deep exhale and the fluttering of eyelids let him know Spock was waking up.

“Morning,” Jim whispered.

“I overslept,” was all Spock answered.

“Well,” Jim said, letting his hand travel down from its place on Spock’s stomach. “Perhaps we ought to take advantage of the situation.”

It had been a while, almost a month, Jim realized when he began to think about it, since they’d made love. This happened sometimes, especially at a busy time such as the last few weeks had been. Still, Jim found himself eager to correct the situation, and was quite disappointed when Spock caught his hand, moving Jim’s arm so that he could get out of bed. 

“Well it was worth a try,” he laughed, masking his disappointment with an air of humor. He climbed out of bed, and followed Spock’s lead as he began to get dressed. “Tonight though,” Jim said, coming up behind Spock and pinching his rear as he stepped into his pants.

“I’ve got a room for us at one of the finest resorts on Risa,” Jim went on as he pulled his yellow uniform shirt over his head. “Right on the beach, with a view of the bay.”

“It sounds lovely," Spock replied half heartedly. He now stood before Jim fully dressed. 

"Everything alright?" Jim asked, taking note of how unusually distant Spock was being. As he thought ahead to their evening plans he began to worry. How was he supposed to work up the courage to propose when Spock was acting so aloof? 

It would pass, Jim assured himself. Once they were away from the ship and alone on Risa, all the stress of daily life would slip away for a moment, and he would get his moment alone with Spock. 

"I am quite alright," Spock answered. "Now, if you'll excuse me Jim, I would like to report to the bridge. I am scheduled to be on duty in approximately thirteen minutes."

"Go on then, keep 'em in line until I get up there," Jim said, making another humor that was lost on Spock. He gave Jim a quizzical look.

"Do you anticipate a disturbance on the bridge?"

"No, Spock," Jim sighed. "I was just… nevermind."

\---

That night several of the crew came together at a popular resort on Risa for dinner. They sat around sharing stories from the last five years, reminiscing about their various adventures, and looking ahead to the future as well. Sulu was in line for a position at Starfleet Academy, where he would have time to turn his botanical research from the last five years into a book. Uhura was hoping for an assignment at Starfleet headquarters, while Chekov was already looking ahead to another deep space mission. Bones swore he was done with all things Starfleet, and was planning to go back to Georgia and start up a medical practice. It seemed Jim was the only one among them without solid plans for the future. He’d heard whisperings that he was to be promoted, but nothing had been offered to him yet.

Spock had excused himself from dinner, giving the explanation that he was feeling unwell and would like to use the time to meditate. Jim worried about him throughout dinner, and eventually left early to check on him.

He found him in their room at the resort, crossed legged on the bed with eyes closed and hands neatly steepled before his chest. Though everyone else had changed into street clothes before they beamed down to Risa, Spock had remained in uniform, insisting there was no logical purpose to changing out of uniform for such a brief visit.

“Spock?” He called cautiously. He hated disturbing him while he was meditating.

Spock opened his eyes, seeing Jim in the doorway he let his hands fall into his lap and turned his head to face him.

“Finished with dinner?” he asked.

“I left a little early,” Jim explained. “I was worried about you.”

“I am alright,” Spock said simply.

Jim was having trouble believing that. Spock had been acting strangely all day long, unusually distant. It had begun that morning and carried on even after they’d left the ship and arrived on the scenic shore of Suraya Bay.

“Why don’t we get out?” Jim offered. “I was hoping to go for a walk on the beach.”

Spock agreed to this suggestion, though Jim sensed a certain reluctance about him. At this rate he would never find the right moment to propose. He supposed it may have to wait, perhaps until they returned to Earth.

The sun began to set as they walked along the beach and Risa’s two moons climbed into the sky. It truly was a beautiful evening, and it would’ve been the perfect evening to propose, if only Spock weren’t in such a strange mood.

Jim made casual conversation as they walked, sharing with Spock the discussion he had missed at dinner about the post-mission plans of their crew. “You know, it’s not just me they’re talking of promoting,” he remarked. “You’re overdue for a new rank, Commander. Of course I recommended you for promotion, but the final decision isn’t mine. However, and don’t quote me on this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they offered you the Enterprise.”

“I have no desire to be captain,” Spock said softly, speaking up for the first time in quite a while. 

“Oh? Well you can always request another assignment--”

“Jim,” Spock interrupted.

“Yes?”

“We need to talk about our plans for the end of this mission.”

“Well I’d actually hoped we could,” Jim agreed, a sense of relief setting in. Perhaps this was why Spock had been so strange today. Perhaps he was as nervous as Jim to have this conversation.

“Perhaps we should sit?” Spock suggested, gesturing to a flat rock several feet ahead of them.

Spock settled himself on the rock, a certain rigidity about him, and promptly began their conversation. “Jim,” he began. “I do not intend to continue my career with Starfleet.”

This was a surprise. Spock had always been dedicated to Starfleet. He’d given up a promising career as a scientist on Vulcan to join, going against his father’s wishes and creating a rift in his family that Jim had witnessed first hand.

“You don’t?” Jim asked, perplexed.

Spock shook his head.

“I don’t understand…”

“I joined Starfleet to further my education in the sciences, because I believed it would offer more opportunity than the Vulcan Science Academy.”

“And did it?”

“Indeed. I have been quite satisfied with the experience Starfleet has provided me.”

“Then why leave?”

“Because I believe it is time I pursue another area of study. I wish to undergo the traditional Vulcan rite known as Kolinahr.”

“Kolinahr?”

“The purging of all emotion.”

“Spock--”

“I will need to return to Vulcan to undergo this process. And will likely remain for some time afterwards--”

“But, Spock,” Jim interrupted. “What does that mean for us?” He reached across the space Spock had put between them and took his hand.

“I’m sorry, Jim…” Spock said rigidly. “But it will be necessary for us to end our… association.”

Jim could hardly comprehend what was going on. Their hands fell apart--was it Spock or himself that pulled away first? Jim couldn’t tell. He stared blankly at the sandy beach ahead of him, unable to look Spock in the eyes, and eventually he asked the question he didn’t want an answer to. 

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“Yes.”

“That’s why you’ve been acting so strange” Jim said, more to himself than to Spock. “I thought it was stress or nerves or something but… It was this.”

“I have known for two weeks we would need to have this conversation,” Spock admitted. “Forgive me, I should’ve come to you sooner.”

Two weeks? Suddenly Jim found himself reviewing everything that had happened in that time, analyzing it for hints, some sort of sign he had missed. Two weeks… It had been about that long since he’d resolved to propose to Spock. He supposed he must’ve been so preoccupied with the nerves and excitement of planning his proposal he hadn’t noticed the very man he was thinking of slipping away from him.

“I hope you can understand--” Spock began. Jim cut him off.

“Understand?” he cried, his shock giving way to anger. He stood up and turned to face Spock directly as he spoke. “Spock how can I understand this? We’ve been together almost four years, and now you want to throw all that away? I can’t understand that… It’s not… logical.”

Spock said nothing.

Jim turned and walked down to the water. It was all he could think to do in the chaos of the moment. He’d left his shoes back at the hotel, hoping to soak his feet in the cool waters of Suraya Bay. At least something was going as planned tonight, he thought as a wave brushed over his toes and bubbled up around his ankles. He gazed up at the moons and pretended for a moment that his conversation with Spock had not happened. He imagined he was alone on the beach, Spock waiting for him back in the room. He imagined returning to the room to find Spock had dozed off while meditating, as he did once in a while. Jim would wake him up by kissing those beautiful pointed ears, which would flush green under his touch. As Spock awoke his kisses would move to his lips. Mouths and tongues would meet, and soon kissing would give way something more intimate…

The soft sound of footsteps in the sand behind him pulled Jim out of his daydream and back to the cruel reality of his situation. Spock wasn’t waiting for him in the room. He was here. On the beach where they were supposed to get engaged. The beach where they had broken up.

“Jim?” Spock called. Jim turned around. Shoes still on, Spock stood a safe distance from the water’s edge, watching Jim with concern as he waded deeper into the bay, letting the water come up past his ankles and soak through his pants all the way up to his knees.

Jim reluctantly came back, arriving a few feet ahead of Spock with arms crossed and a tight-lipped frown. He had nothing left to say.

“I believe it would be best that I return to the ship,” Spock said.

“Go ahead,” Jim said dismissively, walking past him and heading in the direction of the resort. “You don’t need my permission.”

Spock watched Jim as he walked slowly along the beach to the resort, remaining close enough to the water’s edge that every now and then a wave would rush up around his feet and wash the sand clear. Eventually, he pried his eyes away, pulling out his communicator and requesting that the Enterprise beam him aboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I write I make playlists based on my work. Songs for this chapter:  
> \- Marry Me, Train  
> \- Tompkins Square Park, Mumford & Sons


	2. Chapter 2

Dr. McCoy was thoroughly enjoying his shore leave. His evening was spent lounging on an ocean front patio with a drink in one hand and a book in the other. He was moving on to the second phase of his night, which involved trying his luck at picking up women at the resort bar, when he noticed the slumped figure of his captain occupying a seat at the far end of the bar.

“Jim?”

“Bones!” Jim greeted, much more enthusiastic than he should’ve been. That could be attributed to the excess of alcohol in his bloodstream. “Come sit with me Bones, let me buy you a drink!” He flagged down the bartender as Bones came and took a seat beside him.

“Jim, are you alright--”

“Another glass of brandy,” Jim told the bartender, slurring his speech. “And whatever my friend here wants.”

“Uh… same,” Bones said dismissively. He was more concerned with his inebriated friend than his drink order. “Jim, how much have you had to drink tonight?”

“Mmm I don’t know,” Jim answered dumbly. “Just a glass or two--” Here he interrupted himself by belching loud enough that the entire room could enjoy the sound of it. “Maybe more…”

“I think you ought to slow down there,” Bones said, confiscating Jim’s glass as the bartender arrived with it. “What happened to Spock?”

Jim’s leisurely grin disappeared at the mention of Spock’s name.

“Went back to the ship,” he said.

“Back to the ship? I thought you two had a room at the resort?”

“Well I guess I’ll have the bed to myself then,” Jim said with a cynical snort of laughter.

“What happened? You two have a fight or something?”

“Something like that,” Jim answered, stealing back his confiscated brandy and draining two thirds of the cup in one go. He peered into his glass a moment, frowned, and then finished off the rest.

“No you don’t,” Bones scolded as Jim attempted to take his own glass from him.

“Well hurry up and drink it then,” Jim grumbled. In his drunken state he had all the maturity of a young child.

“Tell me what happened, Jim,” Bones pressed, sipping from his glass.

Jim looked down, tears coming to his eyes as he tried to find the words. “He dumped me, Bones,” he said finally. 

“He what?”

“You heard me--that green-blooded bastard dumped me on the night I was going to propose!”

“Jim…”

“Another please!” Jim called to the bartender.

\---

Jim awoke the next morning to a pounding headache and a sideways view of an unfamiliar hotel room. What happened last night? He’d gone to dinner with the crew, Spock stayed behind and… Spock… He’d taken Spock down to the beach as planned, but before he could make his proposal Spock informed him they would need to “end their association”. He’d actually used the word association, Jim remembered with disgust, as if four years of dating was some casual business arrangement. The memory came rushing back with the force of a tidal wave, and struck him like a dagger to the heart. 

“He lives,” Bones cheered from somewhere in the room. Jim sat up and instantly regretted it. Evidently he had visited the bar after his conversation with Spock.

“Where am I?” Jim asked, massaging his forehead. He looked around. He was on a sofa in what appeared to be a resort room, a queen sized bed to his right and open window to his left. 

Bones stood at the bathroom door in a towel, fresh from the shower. “You were too drunk to remember your room number,” he explained.

“Right…” Jim remembered. “I uh… I remember it now,” he said, awkwardly rising from his seat on the couch. It was then that he noticed he was stripped down to his boxers. He looked at Bones.

“We didn’t--”

“God, no!” Bones assured him. Jim had to ask. It had been some time, but back at the academy, he and Bones had spent their share of lonely, drunken nights together and let things go a bit further than they probably should have. 

“I was a perfect gentleman,” Bones insisted. “You just started to overheat and insisted on taking your clothes off. In fact, that’s why we came back here. You didn’t seem to understand why it wasn’t acceptable to take your shirt off at the bar.”

Bones retreated back into the bathroom as Jim redressed himself, taking the opportunity to do the same. A few minutes later he returned fully dressed and took a seat on the edge of the bed, watching Jim as he pulled his shoes on.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“The questionable decisions I make while drunk? Not really,” Jim said dismissively.

“Jim…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He finished putting his shoes on and made for the door. “Thanks, Bones,” he said before he left. “For looking out for me last night.”

“Don’t mention it,” Bones replied. “And if you need anything, I’m always here.”

\---

When he returned to his quarters on the Enterprise that morning Jim found them absent of anything belonging to Spock. Though Spock had his own quarters down the hall, for the last three years he had spent his nights in Jim’s room, returning to his own only when he wanted a moment alone to meditate. Many of his belongings, including most of his wardrobe, toiletries, and personal effects had moved to Jim’s quarters over the course of three years. Evidently he had come by and collected them while Jim was still on Risa. Jim held back tears as he surveyed the room, which looked now as though Spock had never been there at all.

He worked to calm himself as he pulled off his t-shirt and jeans, replacing them with his Starfleet uniform. He would have to report to the bridge shortly, and he would need his composure then. Spock would be there, he probably already was. Jim wondered if it would be as difficult for Spock to see him as it would be for him to see Spock. He would have no way of knowing if it was. There was no way to know what was going on behind those stoic brown eyes. Not unless Spock let him in. 

He had before. He had opened his mind to Jim in what Jim saw as the ultimate act of intimacy--an unshielded Vulcan mind meld. The longer they had dated the more Jim began to see the deep emotions Spock kept so carefully concealed. He could see them not only within their melds, but in the moments they spent alone, when Spock would let his guard down and allow himself such simple pleasures as a light laugh at a joke or a heavy sigh after a long day. They had spoken of becoming bondmates, one late night as they lie in bed, wrapped in each other’s arms and their minds joined. Then, Spock had explained through the meld, it would be like this always. A constant connection linking their minds.

The tears he’d tried so hard to suppress fell from Jim’s eyes as that memory flashed through his mind. Had it been a lie when Spock had said they would one day be bonded? Or had something changed his mind? Was this his fault? Had he done something wrong? The questions kept coming, tormenting Jim as he sat on the edge of his bed and tried with trembling hands to pull on his shoes. He had no answers.

If only he could peer one last time into that beautiful Vulcan mind. Then, at the very least, he may understand.

\---

All Jim could hope when he arrived on the bridge was that it wasn’t too obvious he’d been crying only ten minutes before. He took his place silently, ignoring the looks of sympathy that traveled his way. The news of his break up had spread quickly. Gossip always did work its way around the ship with warp speed. It had been no different when he and Spock had first started seeing each other. In fact, there had been a betting pool back in those days, with several of the crew weighing in on just how long it would take for their captain and first officer to fall for each other.

As expected, Spock was on the bridge. He sat at his station, his back turned, and didn’t look up when Jim entered. Jim was grateful for this. He wasn’t sure he could look Spock in the eyes so soon and keep full composure, and the last thing he wanted was to make a scene on the bridge. That certainly would feed the gossip. 

Fortunately, Jim’s shift passed without incident. Spock kept to himself and Jim did the same, though he couldn’t help but glance over at him once in a while, remembering what once had been his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter:  
> \- Death by a Thousand Cuts, Taylor Swift  
> \- Somebody That I Used to Know, Gotye


	3. Chapter 3

A month’s journey brought the Enterprise back to Earth. In that time the main interaction Jim had with Spock was the time they were together on the bridge. Often they could get through an entire shift without speaking to each other. When they did speak it was brief and professional. If they encountered each other off the bridge, in the recreation room or passing down the corridor, Jim was greeted by a curt nod and nothing more. 

It killed Jim, having to see Spock day after day and act as though nothing had ever happened between them. As though they didn't even know each other. It was like the clock had been turned back five years, to the start of their mission, when Spock gave Jim the same cold shoulder he did everyone on the Enterprise. But it was worse than that. Back then Jim had no frame of reference. No knowledge of the passionate being that hid beneath the surface of that cold Vulcan exterior. No memory of the lover he had now lost.

The journey to Earth dragged on for an eternity, and only when it ended did Jim find some sense of relief. Even that small comfort of returning home was bittersweet. It meant an end to the torture of facing Spock every day, but at the same time, it meant that very soon Spock would return to Vulcan. After that, there was no telling when they would meet again, if ever.

They were not, however, immediately parted upon their return to Earth. There was much official business to attend to, and as captain and first officer Jim and Spock were caught in the middle of it. Their first few days back in the Sol System were a blur of meetings, inspections, and briefings, and when it was all said and done Jim could remember very little of it. What he did remember was the way Spock left their final meeting without a single word of farewell. He excused himself from the conference room so quickly Jim couldn’t have caught him if he tried.

Just like that, the best four years of Jim's life walked away from him. 

\---

As expected, Jim received a promotion and a new assignment upon his return to Earth. He was promoted in rank to admiral and appointed the new Chief of Starfleet Operations. He would have a month of leave before he was to report back to Starfleet Headquarters to begin his duties.

Jim decided he would take part of this time to go back to Iowa and visit his family home, and when he returned from his final day of meetings he began making the necessary arrangements. This involved an awkward call to his mother and a conversation he desperately did not want to have.

“Jim!” Winona Kirk greeted warmly as the image of her son appeared on the screen before her. “Back on Earth?”

“Yes. And to stay,” Jim told her. “For a time, anyhow.”

“Oh?”

“They’ve promoted me to admiral,” he explained, a hint of pride on his face as he spoke. “And of course with that comes a dull desk job at headquarters.”

“Oh Jimmy, that’s wonderful!” Winona beamed. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks, mom.”

“You’ll be in San Francisco then?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh it’ll be so good to have you back on planet,” she exclaimed. “You know, I could never rest easy with you out there running around the galaxy.”

“I made it back in one piece, didn’t I?”

“You did.”

“Anyhow, I have a month of leave before I get started with this new job. I was thinking I’d come to see you.”

“That sounds lovely! When can I expect you?”

“A couple days? I’m still making the arrangements, but I’ll keep you in the loop.”

“Excellent,” Winona said. It was then that her eyes narrowed and a sly smile crossed her lips, as though she was trying to say something.

“What is that look?” Jim laughed. 

“Should I expect one or two?” She asked suggestively.

Jim flushed with embarrassment. He’d forgotten how prying his mother could when it came to his love life, and was regretting having ever told her about Spock.

“Just the one, mom. It’s just me.”

“Okay, okay…” she said. Then after a moment she added, “May I ask when you’re going to introduce me to this boyfriend of yours? You will have to eventually.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary…” Jim explained awkwardly. “We uh… We actually broke up.”

“Oh…”

“We found we were going different places after the mission ended.” Jim hoped his mother could sense from his tone this was not a subject he was eager to discuss.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Jimmy,” Winona offered. “It’s his loss.”

“Yeah… I guess.”

A long, awkward silence passed between them before Jim spoke up to change the subject.

\---

Jim had a day to kill before he was due to depart for Iowa, and most of it was spent lounging around his apartment in sweatpants, trying not to think about his break up and failing miserably. He found himself running through every detail of the last four years in his mind, trying to figure out where he’d gone wrong. What had happened to change Spock’s mind? That had to be what had happened. Spock wasn’t the sort of person to make false promises. Was he…?

As afternoon gave way to evening Jim found himself in the same spot on the sofa he’d been since that morning, and he began to realize just how unproductive his day had been. He got up, got dressed, and forced himself to leave the apartment. Initially this seemed like a good idea--getting out of the house and looking for something to distract himself. He figured he’d go to the bar, have a couple drinks, and see if he was still any good at picking up women.

As he walked, however, Jim’s thoughts arrived at another idea. He was suddenly reminded of another bitter break up, in which he had been on the other end of the situation. Just as Spock had left him without a proper farewell he had left Carol Marcus nine years earlier. They hadn’t spoken since the night he ended things, and it was only just occurring to Jim how hard that must have been on her.

As Jim stood nervously at the door he was unsure why exactly he was there, or, for that matter, if he even had the right address. A combined sense of relief and regret set in as the door slid open to reveal a familiar face

“Jim?” Carol asked, thoroughly shocked to see him there. He gazed back at her, a sea of memories washing over him at the sight of those ocean blue eyes.

“Carol…” he said breathlessly.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was… uh... I was in the area,” he stuttered.

“I can see that…”

“I’ve just returned actually--from my deep space mission.”

“Oh… Well... Welcome back.”

“Have you had dinner yet?”

“I have, actually.”

“Right, well…”

“But, I was just about to pour myself a glass of wine,” she said, making a peace offering. “Do you want some?”

“I would like that,” Jim answered, heaving a heavy sigh of relief as she stepped aside and indicated he come in. He had made it further than he’d expected, having been fully prepared for her to turn him away at the door.

When he stepped inside to her modest living room, Jim’s eyes were drawn immediately to the wall opposite the sofa, where a collection of photos hung proudly. As Carol poured the wine he went over to look at them. Documented in the collection of vacation photos, school pictures, and candid shots was the growth of a young boy with Carol’s same curly blonde hair and blue eyes.

“He’s just turned nine,” Carol said, arriving beside Jim with two glasses of red wine.

“He looks just like you,” Jim observed, taking his glass.

“And he acts just like his father,” Carol said, somewhat cynically. “Though he doesn’t realize it.”

“You haven’t told him anything?”

She shook her head, taking a sip from her glass. “Why bother?” she asked, that same cynicism in her tone. She took a seat in an armchair, gazing off into the distance as Jim took the sofa across from her. “So… deep space--how was it?” she asked, avoiding Jim’s eyes.

“Amazing,” Jim breathed. “So much to see, and so much we’ve yet to discover. You would’ve loved it.”

“Well, I may just get my chance out there one of these days.”

“Oh?”

“It’s still years down the road, but I’m in the early stages of a project that, if it ever gets the proper funding, would need to be completed out in space.”

“And what might that project be?”

“Now why would I tell that to a Starfleet captain? You lot would just find a way to turn it into a weapon.”

“I see your opinion of Starfleet hasn’t changed.”

“It hasn’t,” she said, looking Jim over as though she was surprised to see him out of uniform. “What do they have you doing now?” she asked, knowing full well that Jim Kirk would be working for Starfleet until he died.

“Chief of Starfleet Operations,” Jim answered. “As of next month, that is.”

“A promotion?”

“Yes.”

“Well, congratulations,” She said genuinely, offering the hint of a smile. “You always were a good officer.”

“Thank you.”

Carol looked down at her glass, which was already half empty, as though she wasn’t sure where the wine had gone, shaking her head as she raised it to her lips and took another sip.

“So why are you here Jim?”

“I was in the area--” Jim began. Carol interrupted him.

“Sure, but what brought you to me? It’s been nine years of silence and suddenly you show up at my door unannounced?”

“I just wanted to see you,” Jim answered. “And David, though it seems he’s not here…”

“He’s at a friend’s house,” Carol explained.

“I’d really love to meet him,” Jim pressed. He treaded carefully, sensing a protectiveness spiking in Carol as the subject of her son arose.

“He doesn’t even know who you are,” Carol said firmly. “And I’m not going to thrust it on him unexpectedly like this.”

“He’s never asked?”

“No,” Carol said matter-of-factly. “He doesn’t need you, Jim. Neither of us do.”

That comment hit Jim hard, and Carol could sense it. She heaved a sigh, a small sense of guilt setting in as Jim turned away from her, clearly hurting. Eventually, she set her glass down and rose from her seat, departing into the other room. She returned a few minutes later with a small book--a photo album Jim realized as she came closer. She sat down beside him on the sofa.

“Some pictures,” she said, handing the book over as a peace offering. “If you want to see them.”

Jim took the book gratefully, and flipped through it with great care. Much like the collection of photos on the wall, it contained a combination of vacation pictures, school photos, and various other shots, ranging in time from as early as the day David was born to as recently as last year.

“He’s growing up so quickly…” Carol murmured, watching over Jim’s shoulder as he thumbed through the pages.

“He’s a handsome little fellow.”

“And brilliant too,” Carol added.

“Just like his mother.”

Jim turned to face her, finding she was much closer to him than he’d realized. The turn of his head left their faces mere inches apart, and Jim’s better instinct told him to politely move away. She’d clearly been leaning close to get a better look at the photos and nothing more. Yet Jim found his better instincts failing him, and was soon raising his hand to cup her cheek.

Her eyes widened, but she made no move to stop him, no effort to distance herself. Instead her eyes dropped suggestively to his lips, and she leaned in to him, letting her own hand come to a rest on his shoulder. No longer able to resist, Jim leaned in and closed the small space left between their mouths.

The photo album was discarded, ending up on the floor as the kiss went on. Carol leaned back into the sofa as Jim moved in towards her, and before either of them knew exactly what was happening they ended up horizontal.

It was Carol who finally broke it off, pushing Jim back and sitting up.

She looked at Jim as though she wasn’t sure if she wanted to slap him or carry on kissing him. “What the hell am I doing?” she sighed. “What are _you_ doing? Last I heard you were dating one of your bridge officers.”

“We broke up,” Jim said defensively.

“Oh because that makes this whole situation fine.”

“We’re not doing anything wrong,” Jim insisted, though he didn’t dare move closer to her.

She looked at him suspiciously, as though she could sense there was more to the situation than Jim was sharing with her.

“When did you break up?” she asked.

“Does it matter?”

“Jim…”

“I don’t know, a month or so ago…”

“Of course,” Carol scoffed. “That makes more sense.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means _this_ ,” she gestured between the two of them, “is a terrible idea. I bet _she_ was the one that broke things off too, wasn’t she?”

“He,” Jim corrected meekly.

“He, she, they--that’s beside the point,” Carol cried. “The point is this isn’t about me. _Or David_.”

“Carol…”

“I will _not_ be your rebound,” she said forcefully. She rose from her seat and gestured toward the door. “Now get out of my house!”

“I… Okay…” Defeated, Jim got up and made for the door.

“And stay away from me. And my son!”

\---

Ashamed, Jim couldn’t look at himself in the mirror when he returned home that night. Carol was absolutely right. He had no right to come crawling back to her so soon after his break up with Spock. He tried to console himself with the fact that he had never intended to take things in the direction they had gone, but even that was a sorry excuse. Even if it hadn’t been his initial intention, he’d let things go much further than they should have.

As he fell into bed, Jim felt worse than he had all day. He shoved his face into the pillow and pulled the blankets tight around him, trying to find some consolation in the knowledge that tomorrow he would leave for Iowa. Hopefully the time away would heal his heart. At the very least, there wasn’t anyone there for him to hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter:  
> \- Somebody That I Used to Know, Gotye  
> \- Since U Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson


End file.
